Friday, March 02, 2007

Riddle Me This: What Egghead Named this Joker?

"Criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot" -- Bruce Wayne, millionaire playboy, November 1939.

From your Chicago Tribune:
More than half of the threatening mailings attributed to "The Bishop" mail-bomb suspect over the last two years had postmarks from the Chicago area, investigators said Wednesday.

As a result, authorities are concentrating part of their search for him here, and they were seeking a man who was in the Rolling Meadows post office the day two explosive devices were mailed from there to investment firms. ***

Inspectors have circulated a sketch of a "person of interest" who was seen in the lobby of the Rolling Meadows post office by a witness between 11:30 a.m. and noon on Jan. 26. That is the day the pair of devices were mailed to investment firms in Kansas City and Denver. ***

A $100,000 reward has been offered for information leading to the arrest of the person who mailed the devices. Anyone with information is asked to call 312-983-7901. ***

Colen said investigators at least want to speak to the man seen in the Rolling Meadows post office, because he potentially could have information related to the case.

Authorities said the man was in his late 30s to early 40s, and is about 6 feet tall and 180 pounds. He has thinning, sandy-brown hair and was seen wearing an olive military-type jacket.

Investigators have said the suspect, who calls himself "The Bishop," has mailed threatening letters to investment firms around the country since 2005. He typically makes demands about fluctuations in stock prices, authorities have said.
"The Bishop"?!?

I'm no expert on the criminal mind -- really, I'm not -- but it seems to me that law enforcement and the press could discourage crime with one simple step: Don't let the criminals name themselves.

By letting this doofus call himself "The Bishop," they've turned him into some kind of super-villain. And while it might be more satisfying for the authorities to be in pursuit of "The Bishop" -- A&E Investigative Reports could come calling -- it only feeds his sick ego and encourages the nut-job.

So as a public service, I am offering this list of ten discouraging or humiliating appellations for future mail-bombers:
  1. The Yella-Bellied Bomber,
  2. Pant-Load,
  3. El Cobarde,
  4. Ol' Chickenshit,
  5. Mamma's Boy,
  6. Urinal Cake,
  7. Mr. Frady Cat,
  8. The Dirty Diaper Bomber,
  9. Dr. Undescended Testicle,
  10. Jay Mariotti
"I know nothing whatsoever about this sort of thing, Commissioner. But as a layman, it makes sense to me."

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